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Why do Bruthas...
Q. try to keep you holding on, when they pretty much know they are
done? Why does
it seem that when you start to ignore them the most,
they come back chasing?
Asia
A. Well Ms. Asia, as men, we always want to feel as though we can
have someone to fall back on. Often times we will try to keep at least one good sistah around. This
way, if we ever get to a point in our "other" relationship that we feel trapped or stagnent, we know that we have someone
nice and familiar that we can rekindle a flame with. Someone that we know (or hope) is still holding a candle
for us. I know this is wrong, but, we are very guilty of it.
Have you ever heard the old saying, "you never miss your water until your well runs dry?" This way
of thinking is very common in a brutha's mind. See we always want what we want, when we want it and if we feel like
it's leaving, we get scared. Bruthas (just like sistahs) like to feel a sense of security. It bothers us
to think that at some point we may be by ourselves. Even though we know that we don't necesarily want to be with a sistah,
we also don't want to be alone, so when we see that you are tired of our crap we struggle to try and get everything back in
order so that you won't leave. To take it from another angle, we often times don't realize a woman's worth until she
realizes that we can be worthless. We can get so caught up in the many "less" important features of a sistah (hair
length, skin complexsion, body shape, etc) that we miss the true qualities that makes a good sistah, a good sistah.
Once we realize the error in our ways, we snap into search and rescue mode. You know, we search
for ways to make you want to come back with hopes that we can rescue our relationship with
you.
The bottom line is, Bruthas can be very selfish and insensitive sometimes. This is something
that we really need to stop doing, but until bruthas start taking relationships with sistahs seriously, it's highly unlikely.
A Brutha
Why do Bruthas...
Q. complain that you are doing them wrong, when
it's really them.
My man always starts pointing the finger and accusing me of hurting him when I call him on something.
Sometimes,
I think its a defense mechanism; Other times, I have to ask myself:
"Am I really doing him wrong?"
Patrice
A. Two words come
to mind...GUILTY CONSCIOUS!!! Sometimes when we are doing wrong, we try and use reverse psychology to make you
think that you are wrong. This is a feeble attempt to take the heat off of us and in a lot of cases, it works.
The reason it works is because when we flip the script on you, it diverts your target from the wrong we've
done, to you battling to defend yourself. It happens so quickly that you don't even know what hit you, and before
you realize it, we'll have you apologizing to us. Often times the hand can be quicker than the eye, so you have
to figure out how to focus on the hand, and then you can see the trick and the trickster for what they really are.
A Brutha
Why do Bruthas...
Q. always act as if they love you when they really do not and they
put on this big front in front of their friends as if I have a bad chick and it really isnt anything except for a show. When
the female begins to have strong feelings for that male (remind you some people dont fall in love overnight because they dont
want feelings to get hurt)the male wants to turn around and break it off with the female because that female so called doesnt
have the feelings for that male as that male so \called does for her. In the beginning the brotha did not benefit this female
at all in anyway, the female just loved him for whom he was not for what he had.Please let me know because this is a situation
that I have went through personally.
Danielle
A. I must admit that this question
gave a brutha a good work out, but wisdom prevailed and I was able to overcome (smile).
The key word in the first part of your questions is “show”. Men are showoffs by nature. We always
want to give the illusion that no matter what we have it’s the best and this especially holds true when it comes to
“our” women. It’s that whole trophy girlfriend/wife thing. The “I’m gonna parade you around to make all my friends jealous,”
then take you home and ignore you. I really hate to use this next analogy as
an example, because we should never compare our beautiful sistahs to inanimate objects, but in this instance it’s kinda
fitting for the situation. Have you ever known a brutha who had a really tight
car? I mean it had chrome wheels, leather interior and a bangin system!!! He would drive it around and have everybody he passed looking at it talking about,
“DAMN THAT RIDE IS TIGHT!!!!!” I know you know this person. The thing you don’t know is, he has know idea how to maintain this car mechanically. He doesn’t change the oil, the spark plugs, the air filter or nuthin, because
all he cares about is how he looks in the public eye. He wants everyone that
sees him (especially his boys) to think that he’s got it goin on, but the reality of it is, he doesn’t have a
clue of what it means to have something quality in his life. In this situation
my dear, you would be the trophy or the car.
The feelings thing is fueled by the urge for a man to feel
as though he is in control. The first thing out of our mouths after you tell
us how you feel is usually (for a really shallow brutha) “Aww…Uhh…I really aint ready for all
that, you movin too fast”. For whatever reason, we think that when
we say this, we have regained the upper hand in the situation and that we are safe from the commitment trolls. They say that
women are more emotional so than men, so you all generally fall in love quicker than we do, but that’s a bunch of bull. Men actually fall in love just as quick as women do, but we have this stupid urge
to want to suppress our emotions for fear of seeming soft or looking like a pushover.
If a guy goes to his boys and says that he has fallen for a chick after only a few weeks of dating, they are going
to be like “Dude, you trippin…shorty got you sprung.” Then
instead of telling them cats to ease back, we let the pressure of what they say fuel our ignorance and mess up what might
have been the beginning of a cool relationship.
In my opinion (and mind you I’m not a professional)
since you know all of this about your situation, you really need to reevaluate your relationship with this person. Peace of mind should always supercede a piece of a man.
A Brutha
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